FAT is 9!

/////////////////////////////////////// FATMAIL: WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE MAIL///////////////////////////////

If, like me, you thought a night of listening to breakbeat-driven dance music was pushing your suicide tolerance to new found limits,
then you may be pleased to hear that North Korea has launched a new range of ballistic missiles capable of triggering a worldwide
nuclear bum-train. One false move, and before you can say f*ckbiscuits some crazy dictator from the arse end of the orient will have
cried BANZAI!! and we'll all have only 30 minutes to live.

On the bright side, at least then you'd never have to put up with another endless, eye-gouging evening of listening to Fat's arse-
gratingly insipid array of DJs attempting to entertain a club full of doom-brained pill-apes. Who needs a Nuclear holacaust when
you've got Friendly on the decks?

Something tells me that if London were levelled by a multi-megaton explosion, Chew The Fat, now approaching its 9th birthday, would
survive along with the cockroaches, flies and rats. Paul Arnold would then emerge as the progenitor and patriarch of a new age of the
Earth, and rule over his wilderness kingdom with an army of radioactive rodents as his henchman. In the meantime, he'll have to settle
for being the tin-pot dictator of the prog breaks circuit.

But if there's one thing that certainly does need obliterating immediately, it's My Space, the social networking cathedral of c*ntery
that's turned the joy of discovering new music into a narcissistic online youth club for chinless mediocrities. That's why we've created
our very own Myspace page. Check it out here: www.myspace.com/chewthefatuk 

Read on, if you are able, for another overextended morass of predictable and f amiliar torpedoes of bile thinly disguised as 'humorous' asides…

////////////////////////////// CHEW THE FAT! IS 9 //////////////////////////////////////////

Nine years is a long time in breakbeat, as the old saying goes. And we remember a time when the great and the good of the breaks
community weren't a ragtag ensemble of fat old men wheezing behind the decks. To celebrate nine long arduous years, we profile the
guests for this week's 9th Birthday party at The End, and take a look at…

WHERE WERE THEY? – 9 YEARS AGO

Tayo – the  Radio One DJ was still polishing his briefcase and fagging for the senior prefect, before the light of breaks shone in his dorm,
and he kissed goodbye to the days of being used as a rugby ball by the bigger boys.

Soul of Man – before becoming the UK's finest exponent of lager breaks, Soul of Man would spend his weekends staring lovingly across
a crowded dancefloor as his guru Paul Arnold bent over to pick a record out of his bag. Now recovered and breeding like a French hare.

D Ramirez – before rebranding himself as a greasy Spanish Lothario, D Ramirez (real name Derek Ramrod) was a door-to-door salesman
of Littlewoods pools in Hartlepool. The constant hurling of abuse at him has prepared him well for his subsequent music career, which
includes the production of a forgettable coffee-table house classic that was big in Bugaria.

Precision Cuts – 9 years ago, Precision Cuts spent most of their time beating themselves off to the lingerie section of the Argos catalogue
and getting high on Fruit Pastilles. Now, as fully-grown men at the top of their profession, little has changed.

Friendly – in 1998 Friendly was midway through a career as Senior Mullet Technician at Le Bouffant Barber shop in Bongabonga, Queensland.
Discovered by Paul Arnold on a tour of Australia when he went to get his wispy rat-wig preened, Friendly now brings ten years of mullet
technology to the dancefloors of London.

Paul Arnold – with three thousand b*stard children worldwide, and almost as many different types of venereal disease, it's hard to believe
that nine years ago Paul was just a fresh faced, bushy tailed young strap-on from an in-bred village in East Anglia. His masterplan for a
London breakbeat club has lasted as long as your average nuclear winter, and has been almost as hard to endure.

Kid Blue – No one knows who he is now, let alone 9 years ago.

Plus, in the lounge: RANT

Starring:
Max Sedgley
DJ Food
The Rent Boys

@ The End, somewhere in London. Follow the trail of aggressive Italian tourists.

///////////////////////////// BERLIN //////////////////////////////////////

Nine years ago Berliners were still wearing leather trousers and dancing to trance remixes of David Hasselhoff records. Now they've
woken up to the fresh new, er, nine year old sound of breaks

With very special guests EWAN PEARSON and EVIL 9.

Saturday 28th October 2006
Chew the FAT! 9th Birthday
103 Club
Falkenstein Str. 47
Kreuzberg-Berlin

Starring:
Evil Nine (Marine Parade)
Ed2000 (Dangerous Drums)
Wiesel (Viperjive)
100 Tons (Golden Gate)
Herr Piece
Bobby Schnitzel
Lucky Hans
Billy Bosh

//////////////////////////////////CHEW THE FAT! BRIGHTON/////////////////////////////////////////

Friday 27th October 2006
Chew the Fat! 9th Birthday
The Ocean Rooms, 1 Morley St, Brighton.
11pm till 4pm

Atomic Hooligan
Aquasky
Merka
Steelzawheelz
DJ Dreadwig
Bobby Orange
Stinky Dave
Soapy Titwank (live)
DJ Spume and MC Vulva

////////////////////////////////////FAT! RECORDS/////////////////////////////////////////////////////

To celebrate 9 long years at the leading edge, we've just spent 75% of our annual budget signing a bunch of has beens who no one can
remember from the eighties. That's right: we'll be exhuming the carcass of Unique 3 and giving 'The Theme' the Fat! makeover, with
added breakbeats, mid-track breakdown and snare crescendo, courtesy of Rhythmatics. 

Not content with that, Unique 3 have also produced some fresh new turds to follow next summer.

www.myspace.com/uniquethree

Merka "Myspaceship" (ctfat035) apparently got a nod from Laurent Garnier, a wink from Paul Van Dyke and a crude miming of fellatio
from everyone else.

Myspace www.myspace.com/mymerka - released on 6th November

//////////////////////////LABEL MANAGE / PR MANAGER REQUIRED///////////////////

Can you suck a grapefruit through a length of copper-piping? Have you got breasts larger than a human head? Do your moral standards
allow you to prostitute yourself freely in the name of economic income? If you answer yes to all of these questions, then you may be
eligible to become the next Chew The Fat 'label manager'. You'll receive a wage fit for a Cornish tin-miner, daily abuse from Paul Arnold,
and the self-confidence of a bulimic teenager.

Apply now to paul@thefatclub.com with your CV, covering letter and a signed statement confirming you wish to relinquish your dignity.

////////////////////// FAT ON TOUR ///////////// //////////////////

Paul 'Tax Trouble' Arnold will be circumnavigating the seediest student unions in the UK this Autumn, as a shameless puppet of a well known
drinks brand. Playing alongside some of Britain's cheesiest crowd-pleasers, expect a serious stink coming from the DJ booth.

Fri 6th October – APU
Wed 11th October – Goldsmiths
Mon 16th October – Kent
Wed 18th October – Coventry
Sat 21st October – Aberystwyth
Mon 23rd October – Bangor
Wed 25th October – Cardiff
Fri 27th October – Leicester
Sat 28th October – Birmingham
Wed 1st November – Plymouth
Fri 3rd November – Teeside
Sat 4th November – Northumbria
Fri 10th November – Herriot Watt
Sat 11th November – Edinburgh
Wed 15th November – Portsmouth
Tue 21st November – UEA
Wed 22nd November – Herts
Fri 24th November – LSE
Sat 25th November – Nottingham Trent
Wed 29th November – Royal Holloway
Sat 2nd December - Essex

Other Fat! Agency DJs out and about this weekend:

Fri 13th October - Rogue Element @ Fuse, Manchester
Fri 13th October - Kid Blue @ Chew The Fat!, London
Fri 13th October - Paul Trouble Arnold @ Chew The Fat!, London
Fri 13th October - Precision Cuts @ Chew The Fat!, London
Fri 13th October - BLIM @ Hush, Victoria B.C.
Sat 14th October - Aquasky (Brent) @ Nightoffice, Tbilisi
Sat 14th October - Aquasky (Kieron) @ MINT, Leicester
Sat 14th October - Paul Trouble Arnold @ MINT, Leicester
Sat 14th October - Friendly @ Relief, Luton
Sat 14th October - Precision Cuts @ Electric Boogaloo, Northampton
Sat 14th October - Kid Blue @ Spectrum presents Eargasm, Birmingham
Sat 14th October – DJ Wombraider @ T.W.A.T, Croydon

Contact rory@thefatclub.com on +44 (0) 207 924 133 for an illicit sex rendezvous.

//////////////////////////////// END THE FAT /////// //////////////////////////////

And who knows, it could be the end of the world too.

See you in the afterlife, suckers.                                       

The Fat Crew x

TO UNSUBSCRIBE, PLEASE EMAIL kim.jong-il@korea.gov WITH THE WORDS 'FOR GOD'S SAKE, PUSH THE BUTTON NOW!' IN THE SUBJECT HEADER

///////////////////////////////////// Too Fat and Too Old Mail ///////////////////////////////////

As we waddled into the office today, we suddenly realized that Fat's 9th birthday was fast approaching. And
what a nine years it has been. We've come so very far from humble beginnings in 1996, when we burst onto
the scene playing offensively banal dance music to crowds of undiscerning drug casualties. Now we're older
and wiser, the girls aren't attracted to us any more, and even we can't stand the music we play. But that
doesn't stop us from making an absolute killing by flogging our records all around the world.

And so here we are, back again, the music industry's least favourite newsletter. More bitter than a Scottish
housewife sucking a lemon and twice as depressing, we've been wheeled out again to regurgitate a torrent
of bile into your inbox, as ever, clinging on the vain hope that your loathing for us will translate into record
sales. And by Jiminy F*ck how we need them now more than ever.

In other news…

Australians have been in mourning the loss of a national hero… Friendly. News that no one's seen him for
months shocked his fellow countrymen, and stunned the Aussie breakbeat community, who'd never even heard
of him in the first place. If anyone spots him, please contact Crimestoppers and have him arrested before he
gets on the decks again.

Plus…

Paul trouble has been on his DJ travels spreading shame to the global breaks twaternity. The month started well
when a Barcelona gig got cancelled due to Paul Arnold's priapism causing a minor incident on La Ramblas.

More recently, Arnold stunned the geniuses behind London's TDK festival by refusing to play. Early reports
suggest the wrong hair products had been included on his rider, upsetting the delicate balance of the Fat boss's
fragile psyche.

If anyone wishes to book Paul, or any other Fat DJ, for a no show appearance or pre-cancelled gigs, please
contact the Fat DJ agency, who can offer very competitive rates.

Now, please, read on, for all the information you never wanted…

/////////////// Chew the fat at The End Friday 8th September –That's Tonight /////////////

The f*cking Australians are back in town again, and far too soon for my liking. Everywhere you turn these days
there seems to be some cockfaced, whining Antipodean strap-on talking too loudly and placing a toe-curlingly
irritating raised intonation on the last few words of each sentence. If you own a combine harvester, and would
like to drive it through dozens of assembled Australian breakbeat DJs and fans, killing indiscriminately over a
30 foot radius, you may wish to head for The End this Friday.

Here are just some of the people you might expect to chop into millions of tiny fleshy pieces:

Pendulum (Breaks Set)
Pendulum need little introduction – so we won't give them one. But if you're one of the many socially retarded
laptop w*nkmonkeys who lives on My Space you can find them there:
http://www.myspace.com/holdyourcolour 

The Rogue Element
First coming to mass attention with his debut turd Rogue Rock in 2005, The Rogue (aka Ben Medcalf) went on
to win Breakthrough Prat of the Year at Breakspoll 2006. Add to this a string of 12"s and remixes with long-time
production partner Tom Reak, and you have a man who is being tipped by many as being completely forgotten
by this time next year. You can find out more, somewhere.

Vlad Sokolov - Perestroika Album Launch Party
From Russia with Love, Vlad invites you to impale yourself on his purple scabbard of funk as he launches his
debut ejaculation into the great big melting pot of breakbeat spunk. For God's sake, try not to swallow.

Troubled Minds
Already causing mild excitement for their weekly show on Vibe FM, these boys are about to get a whole lot more
tumescent with Paul Arnold standing proudly erect behind them.

Not forgetting those pooper-troopers Paul 'Trouble' Arnold and Kid Blue, two of Fat's most overweight and
unpleasant ambassadors, who managed to offend 75% of the population of Spain within 5 minutes of winching
their bloated English arseholes off the plane in Barcelona.

Chew the Fat! at The End
Just the facts:

Pendulum – gay set
The Rogue Element – live with 7 MCs and zero talent
Paul 'Trombone' Arnold – playing the pink oboe of love
Vlad Sukmeov – album lunch
Kid Blue – wearing a diamante cock-ring
Troubled Minds – on before the club opens

In The Lounge:

Lounge: Kidology featuring Mark Wilkinson (Dab Hands), Damian Wilson (Radio 1 / Type), Ninja Cowboys,
FNUK, Brian's Ruptured Arse (Live), Angus McC*nt, Sod's Law (live), Steve Muscle and the Crustaceans,
Arthur Pod, Derek Hattersley, Bo Derek, Derek Hatton, Derek Dahlardarse.

The End, 18 West Central St., London, U.K.
London, W1
11 till 6am
£10 / £6  nus

Buy Advance tickets here and avoid the queue, available up to 7 o'clock. http://thefatclub.trinitystreetdirect.com/
Or call ticket web 08700600100/www.ticketweb.co.uk

////////////////////////Breakbeat ish at Bestival///////////////////////

If you haven't had enough of Fat! on Friday night head down to the Isle of white for Rob Everyone's special
own Beastival. If you thought bike theft was bad in London, tent theft is rife in the Isle of White. Special
tent d-locks available on site. The third year running luckily enough for us Paul Festival Fila Arnold has been
hidden away from the general public, playing in The Hidden Disco at 2 on Saturday afternoon. With no more
sleep than a 16 year old speed freak this geriatric could be the wrong side of right by then. Find  him or it
at your peril. www.bestival.net

/////////////////////////////Chew The Fat is 9 next time ///////////////////////

You'd think that dignity would kick in at some point, but the sad truth is that Paul Arnold's pension isn't going
to accrue by itself. Come and celebrate at Fat's 9th birthday, when we'll be wheeling out some of the dustiest
dinosaurs of breaks for their umpteenth appearances.

Friday October 13th
Soul of Man – the silverfox returns
Tayo – young at heart
D Ramirez – traveling to the venue with a free bus pass
Precision Cuts – Grecian 2000-breaks
Friendly – exhumed for one night only

With residents:
Paul 'Old Enough to be your father' Arnold – vintage sex pest
Kid Blue – incontinent but happy

Rant in the lounge:
Max Sedgley – Sunday best
DJ Food –Ninja tune
Rant DJ
Billy Bollocks
Femi Dom
DJ Vagiclear and MC Throbber   

////////////////////////////////Vote Paul Trouble Arnold /////////////////////////////////////

When Dante conceived his seven levels of hell, and contemplated the finer details of an eternity of pain, misery
and suffering, he surely couldn't have possessed the imagination to describe a fate gory enough for those visionary
minds who persist in organising the annual DJ Magazine Awards. In a world full of hatred, sorrow and heartbreak,
slapping the backs of 100 vapid, overpaid, under-talented egomaniacs –who make more each week than most
families earn in a year – by giving them an award, should surely be outlawed in the Geneva convention.

But if you are going to vote, why not vote for Paul trouble Arnold… and save him the indignity of selling his Kentucky
Fried arsehole on Tooting Common to pay his gas bill.

http://www.djmag.com/top100

/////////////////////////// The Fat Label //////////////////////////////////

COMING UP
The hottest track of the year – taken from his forthcoming album due early next year

Merka "My Spaceship" ctfat035
Check out merkas latest at his myspace.com/mymerka 

Fat's new Photek!

TO BUY

Baobinga and I.D. presents Big Monster - The Machine/Jelly Roll CTFAT033

Kid Blue – Hairy Sambuca/Kickflip remix CTFAT034

Buy vinyl now at

Thank f*ck that's over. Now pass me my gallows…

T he Fat Mongs
X

///////////////////////////FATMAIL : )  HAPPY MAIL!!!! : )  : )  : ) ////////////////////////

We just want to start by saying: isnt this world a great and wonderful place? Isnt this life a ceaseless, boundless,
bountiful cavalcade of unremittingly joyful carnival-floats-of-the-mind, parading through the streets of Happy Town?
Doesnt it all make you smile until your face feels like a smacked bottom? : )

Why are we so happy, you might ask? Ill tell you why: Because weve got breakbeat in our lives. Yes, thats right,
breakbeat. Of course the scene isnt dead!!! Oh no no no no no no!! That was just a tremendous joke that we
played on you all. We dont really believe it. And the person who wrote it has been given a jolly good ticking off
for just taking it TOO FAR. : (

And if you had decided that we were a bunch of cynical, spiteful rave-casualties harking for the glory-days of hardcore
and pink callies, youd be wrong! Things are better than ever now. In fact. Im personally so delighted with the way
things are going, that a moment ago I had a spontaneous anal prolapse just thinking about it, and Im now writhing
about in the warm mess of blood, shit and joyful tears that is covering my computer stall. IS that happiness or what?
It certainly feels like it!!! : )  : )

Whats even better than just the sheer delight of breakbeat as an artform that unites people, is that were involved
in Chew The Fat, probably the greatest breakbeat club and label in the world (apart from all the other REALLY
great clubs and labels, which are equally good), and we get to go to some of the worlds greatest deprived countries,
like Australia, and spread the gospel of breaks to the disadvantaged and uncultured. You should see the smiles on
their little faces! Now we know how Jesus felt when he made the blind see. : )

Also, working at Fat, we get to rub shoulders with LIVING LEGENDS like Paul GREAT! Arnold, who quite simply makes
the world a better place to be in : )

But now, for those who still need a reason to be cheerful, lets look forward to another fantabulous month of music
to put a smile back on the face of even the most miserable old humourless cunt that takes themselves too seriously
read on Fat-fans!

///////////////// Chew the Fat! at The End: Friday 14th July ////////////////////

If you thought that last months Chew The Fat with tech-house GENIUS Pool Woolface was the pinnacle of your life,
just wait until this months coup de grace. Make sure youre sitting down as you scroll down this email and read the
line-up, and perhaps ask a friend to keep an eye out for you in case you lose consciousness, fall off your chair and
accidentally slice your face off especially when I tell you that our special guest is breakbeat deity FREQ NASTY.

Fatmail was honoured to ask the great one to impart to us a few treasured memories of his time at Fat, in
anticipation of his forthcoming performance at our humble dance music club:

FAT: What does Chew the Fat! mean to you? 

FREQ: When it started out in Brixton it was nutty, with 150 or 200 people packing into a space where you were only
meant to have 80, and in the summer I still remember it was the sweatiest venue I've ever played in. There'd be sweat
dripping down from the ceiling onto the decks, it was disgusting, absolutely disgusting.

Read the full interview at our state-of-the-art website, jamrag-packed with news, views, information and other great
stuff: http://www.thefatclub.com/freqint.html

And heres this months mind-bogglingly awesome lineup in full:

Freq Nasty  registering at 11 on a scale of one to awesome!
Baobinga & I.D  two of the finest blokes youd ever wish to meet from perhaps the UKs most brilliant city  Manchester! Top!
Bassnectar  big fans of this guy. Really nice bloke.

Plus our treasured and valued residents:
Paul Tremendously Great! Arnold & Kid Cracking Chap! Blue

Nice Up in the Lounge:
Regal (Bronx Dogs/Funk Weapons)
Emskee (Together Brothers, NYC)
J*Star & MC Honey Brown
Matman (2005 DMC UK Supremcy Champion)
Shepdog and Watkins
Mr Lip
DJ Awesome featuring MC Absolutely Superb
Brian Fucking Excellent
Jimmy Joyface

The End,
18 West Central St., London, U.K.
London, W1
10 till 6am
£10 / £6  nus

Buy Advance tickets here http://thefatclub.trinitystreetdirect.com/
This is simply the best way of making sure you dont miss out on a simply unforgettable night to end all nights.
Or call ticket web 08700600100 / www.ticketweb.co.uk

///////////////////////////////////////Win!! Its a Fat comp!/////////////////////////////

Win two guestlists to The End this week, plus a copy of Baobinga & ID's latest record by answering this fun teaser:

On a scale of one to fun, how much fun is a night at Chew The Fat?

a)    As much fun as sniffing glue
b)    As much fun as spending a night in a Turkish prison cell with a toothless sex pest
c)    As much fun as seeing the smiling face of a child when they say their first word, and simultaneously finding
       out that all wars and poverty have ended

Email your answers to us, with: : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ): ) in the subject heading.

/////////Chew the Fat! at The Sub Club,  Scotland Friday 21st July//////////////

You might think that the Scots are a bunch of dour, sour-faced, thistle-sucking doom-brains who wouldnt be happy
if they had a torpedo full of ecstasy shoved up their pale, ginger arses. But thats where youre wrong! You only
need to take a look at the faces of the street-drinkers slumped in the doorways of every Glaswegian street: those
happy smiles  as wide as the Firth of Forth  say it all. And this month, Fat returns to Glasgow to top up the joy
quota with the launch of Paul Arnolds life-changing mix CD.

Paul Trouble Arnold - JINGS!
Precision Cut CRIVENS!
Baobinga & I.D.  HOOTS!
Bradley C  HELP MA BOAB!

2200 - 0300 
£8/£6 b4 11pm and concessions
Sub Club, 22 Jamaica st, Glasgow G1 4QD.
Info: fat@freq-mode.co.uk

///////////////////////////// Fat! Festivals ///////////////////////////////

>>ELECTRIC GARDENS
Probably the greatest festival ever staged is happening this very year in Kent! Check out the website
www.electricgardensfestival.com or www.myspace.com/electricgardens

Electric Gardens Festival
Friday 4th/Saturday 5th August
Mount Ephraim Gardens
Nr Canterbury
Kent

Tickets £20 per day, camping £10 per night
Limited VIP tickets available with backstage access for £25
Tickets available from www.electricgardensfestival.com or
www.ticketmaster.com

>>BLOOM
Ive run out of superlatives to describe an equally transcendent festival thats happening, er, somehere around the
same time too I think.

Friday 11th / Saturday 12th / Sunday 13th August
CHEW THE FAT ARENA
Terrific! Tayo
Atomic (H)outstanding! Hooligan
Brilliant! Blim
Paul Tits Alive! Arnold
Fucking unbelievable! Friendly
My pancreas has spontaneously combusted! Merkin
Kid Cocking Hell! Blue

The Bloom Festival
Friday 11th - Sunday 13th August
Larmer Tree Gardens
Wiltshire

Weekend Tickets
Early bird tickets (still a few available now)
£70 + £5 postage + £2.50 booking fee
Full price tickets
£85 + £5 postage + £2.50 booking fee
and can be bought at www.bloomfestival.com/tickets.php


///////////// Chew the Fat! Radio new time and on sky digital //////////////

Could it get any better? All night Fat on the radio  for those who simply cannot cram enough fun into a normal working day.

SAT EVE/SUN MORN
4AM TILL 6AM

www.ministryofsound.com/radio/chewthefat 
or tune in on Sky Channel number 198

HOSTED by Amazing! Andy D and this week a special guest mix by Ballbonkingly Brilliant! Baobinga & I.D.

//////////////////////////////FAT RECORDS ////////////////////////////////

WHITE LABELS AVAILABLE NOW!!

Baobinga and I.D. 'The Machine/Jelly Roll' (ctfat033)   
A tour de force of exemplary musical genius  Mail on Sunday
http://thefatclub.trinitystreetdirect.com/

Forthcoming:
Kid Blue "Hairy Sambuca" featuring Kickflip remix (ctfat034 rel date tbc)
A Spellbinding achievement: the future of all music as we know it  The Socialist Worker

OUT NOW!!

Chew the FAT! at the End presents Paul 'Trouble' Arnold (ctfatcd004)
Moving, life-affirming and essentially a triumph of human endeavour: for the entire 45 minutes I wept like a crack-baby
with whooping cough  The Telegraph
http://thefatclub.trinitystreetdirect.com/cd
www.djdownload.com/fat

/////////////////// 3000 records for you for free!!! ///////////////

Because he loves you so much, as of from next week Paul Arnold of Fat! records will be opening up his record collection
of over 3000 breakbeat/ house/ techhouse/ downtempo records 100's of rare old skool breakbeats and good house 12"s
(second hand and new but a good mixture of all) all for you to take FOR FREE*.

Its a supermarket sweep at Fat Towers, so come and get it!
Email paul@thefatclub.com to arrange a viewing appointment! First come first served!

*All records are subject to a discretionary handling surcharge to be decided arbitrarily by the Fat Directors and paid in cash.

/////////// End the Fat /////////////

We wish it wouldnt end, but alas, it must. There simply isnt enough time in the day or words in the English language
to get across how brilliant everything is at the moment. Weve probably taken up far too much of your time already, but we
just wanted to thank you for reading. And thanks for supporting us for all these years, for paying money to come to all our
parties, for buying all those records and CDs, for tuning in to the radio station. If youre reading this youre a very special
person and we love you like an unborn twin. Dont ever change. We really cant wait to see you at our next party and
hopefully you cant wait to hear more fantastic good news from us in the next FATMAIL! : ) : )

Sincere good wishes.
God bless you everyone.
Much love

Fat xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

TO UNSUBSCRIBE, SIMPLY REPLY TO THIS EMAIL WITH IM AN UNHAPPY PERSON AND I HAVE NO PLACE ON THIS LIST IN
THE SUBJECT HEADING

////////////////////// FATMAIL  BREAKBEAT IS DEAD ///////////////////////////

What was that terrible stench in the music world: that sickly throat-raping rancour of rotting flesh? Who was that pale, lonely figure lost in the wilderness? Who was that walking corpse, struggling for breath and stumbling blindly along? What was that awful rasping cough, the sound of someone taking their last breaths, occasionally broken by the pathetic, dying whimpers of a stuck-pig? Well, well tell you. It was Old Father Breakbeat. The obese, bloated old sot got so fat and bloated that he couldnt even see his own cocaine-ravaged cock.  So hes finally seen sense and lost the will to live. Hes kicked the bucket, thrown a seven. Damned to eternal obscurity in the graveyard of pointless music genres.

Yes, sorry to disappoint you all, but its official: breakbeat is dead. Pack away your raving helmets, chuck out those old TCR 12s and feed the pills to the cat. If you want to rave, try a minimal house night: its all the rage, apparently. Old Father Breakbeat wont be seeing you any more: hes getting felched by the worms as we speak.

But here at Fat, thats not going to stop us digging the old cunt up and parading round his rotting cadaver, week in, week out, month after month, the hands of time meaningless against the recurring nightmares of our regular club nights, as we plod slowly towards middle age and oblivion, undeterred by the foibles and fads of the contemporary dance music scene.

However, well make it look like were jumping ship by booking a series of minimal-house DJs and tired has-beens to prop up the same old breaks tosh. Starting this very month so crack out the valium suppositories and pull down your pants: its another fucking Fatmail.

////////////// Chew The Fat: Special Edition:

ARNOLD

Paul Arnold has often been referred to as the rodent of the breakbeat scene: a gnarled, hairy critter, crawling about between peoples legs, getting into dark and stinky holes and clawing away at peoples creativity with his ratty little paws. But this weekend its time for rattus rattus breakbeatus to clamber up onto its hind legs and make an unholy screech of its own. To make their personal mark on the world, some people write an autobiography. Others perform a great feat of strength or undertake an epic voyage of discovery to foreign soil. But

Arnold

And just to stick the proverbial rocket up the clenched butt-cheeks of all the breakbeat purists, in support of the great man this month are a pair of Johnny-come-lately-house dullards guaranteed to bring plodageddon to the Fat dancefloor. Paul Woolford and Elite Force will be demonstrating how many minimal ways you can mix one rhythmically identical, featureless house track into another. The former is a dance music throwback who has repackaged himself as a Lance Corporal of marching music, apparently, while the latter has produced some of the most memorable breakbeat since the last instantly-forgettable breakbeat tune you heard.

Fat caught up with Paul Woolface this week and asked him some questions. But the answers are so tedious we almost cant bring ourselves to include them. But just to keep the marketing department happy, heres a sample quote of the full-length diatribe that you can find on our web site:

I read an interview with an ex-prog producer, explains Paul, who referenced the track and made a comment regarding "bandwagon-jumpers" and it made me laugh out loud. The track [Erotic Inter-railing] was done in the polar-opposite mindset, with no agenda whatsoever. I just get on with making the music from my heart.

Witness the bandwagon come crashing down the stairs of The End this very Friday, June 9^th.

All the details you could ever want, for a night youll always wish you never went to:

////////////////Chew the Fat! at The End. Friday 9^TH June/////////////////////

In order of importance:

Paul Trouble

Arnold

Paul Woolford  dont mention the prog

Elite Force

Kid Blue 

DJ Plod

Friendly

And in the lounge  Schtum presents

Skinnyman & Nasah

Mixologists

Blakey

Breakfastaz (Hip-Hop set)

Brunchy Beats and DJ Pork Pie

DJ Titwank

DJ Deviant, J Twyman, Miss Pink & Shak-T (Live) VJ FX: Bill Krypton & Data is

Nature. 

With your host, MC Tinycocknballs feat. Jamie Lee Cuntis.

The End,

18 West Central St.

,

London

London

10 till 6am

£10 / £6  nus

Buy Advance tickets here http://thefatclub.trinitystreetdirect.com/

Or call ticket web 08700600100

///////////// WIN WIN WIN WIN WIN WIN WIN WIN WIN WIN ///////////////////

2 X COPIES OF PAUL ARNOLDS NEW CD AND 2 PAIRS OF TICKETS TO THE PARTY

Simply answer this tricky LITTLE titty-twister:

On a scale of 1 to tedious, how tedious is the new Fat CD mix album?

Please email your answer (1 being the least tedious, and Tedious being the most tedious) to info@thefatclub.com with I AM A FRIENDLESS, JOYLESS PILL NAZI WITH A SHIT JOB AND DWINDLING MUSIC TASTE WHO STILL CLINGS DESPERATELY TO THE DECOMPOSING CARCASS OF BREAKBEAT FOR MY WEEKEND FUN in the subject header. Good luck, Fat fans!

  /////////////////////////FATstival///////////////////////

A royally-shit play on words like that must mean one thing: its summer festival time. And weve managed to scrape onto the bill at some of the

UK

/////////////////////////////////Electric Gardens presents the Chew the

Arena Saturday 5th / Sunday 6th August ////////////////////////////

Available only to members of the Young Conservatives, this festival in

Canterbury

Advance tickets for the day start at an incredibly reasonable £20 and are available at Poundstretcher and LIDL. With other acts confirmed so far including Audio Bullys, Armand Van Helden, Cassius and Caged Baby it looks like the

Kent

Check out the website www.electricgardensfestival.com or

www.myspace.com/electricgardens

Electric

Gardens

Mount

Ephraim

Nr Canterbury

Kent

Tickets £20 per day, camping £10 per night

Limited VIP tickets available with backstage access for £25

Tickets available from www.electricgardensfestival.com or

www.ticketmaster.com

////////////////////BLOOM///////////////////////////

Wiltshires usually home to displaced public school white witches with no shoulders wearing purple velvet skirts and muttering about stone circles. This August it looks set to be overrun by hoards of confused concertgoers wondering why they paid £90 for a festival when you can pay a measly £9 and Tayo will show you one of his synthetic Kappa track suits in person any day of the week. Either way, this looks set to be a BLOOMin waste of everyones time.

Friday 11th / Saturday 12th / Sunday 13th August

CHEW THE FAT ARENA

Tayo

Atomic Hooligan

Blim

Paul Trouble

Arnold

Friendly

Merkin

Kid Blue

DJ Scrote

Others guests include

The Bays

Secret Sundaze 

Hexstatic Live   

The Nextmen

Cagedbaby

Kid Fiesta   

Chew The Fat!   

Hint (Tru Thoughts)

Grandadbob

Jimpster (Freerange)

V Jamm Allstars LIVE   

Average White DJ

Belleruche (Wah Wah Wah) 

Palmskin (Freerange)   

Channel Zero   

Floatation featuring Terry Nutkins 

Fat Bob   

Little Jimmy 

Gordon the Gonad   

DJ Rammadammadingdong 

Whoopsie and the Farts

The Fond Mammories

Elijah Wood and his Magical Expanding Cockring (LIVE)

Satan

MC Anal Wart

The Bloom Festival

Friday 11^th - Sunday 13th August

Larmer

Tree

Wiltshire

Weekend Tickets

Early bird tickets (still a few available now)

£70 + £5 postage + £2.50 booking fee

Full price tickets

£85 + £5 postage + £2.50 booking fee

and can be bought www.bloomfestival.com/tickets.php

Or you could stay home and masturbate for a week.

////////////// Chew the Fat! Radio new time and on sky digital ///////////////////

SAT EVE SUN MORN 4AM TILL 6AM

Sky number 198

Suicide watch has been moved to a new graveyard shift hosted by Andy I love a grave yard shift D, so if youre still catatonic from prolonged ketamine abuse you may find yourself on the same wavelength.

Every Saturday Night Sunday Morning Live Ministry of Sound Radio 4am  6pm

Special Guests every week still Sunday 11th June 2006

Go to www.ministryofsound.com/radio/chewthefat for archives which, like an unwanted turd in the U-bend, are still there.  Previous Archives Include Paul Trouble Arnold, Friendly, Vlad Sokolov, The Insurgents, Slyde,

Chris

//////////// Fat! Records  /////////////////

COMING SOON...

Chew The Fat! At The End Presents Paul Arnold

CTFATCD004   

RELEASE DATE: 3rd July

PLUS

Not content with having two below-par mix CDs in the pipeline, Fat! records

has two hot 12" singles due for imminent obscurity. First up in July is Baobinga & ID

'

.

After that it

'

////////////////////// END THE FAT //////////////////////////

Breakbeats not dead  honest! It just got fat, ugly and boring about 3 years ago.

See you in the toilet cubicle.

The Fat Mob x

TO UNSUBSCRIBE, REPLY TO THIS EMAIL WITH IM ABSOLUTELY SICK OF YOU SLAGGING EVERYONE OFF YOU HATEFUL BUNCH OF CUNTS AND YOUR JOKES ARE GETTING WEARY AND TIRED SO WHY DONT YOU JUST GIVE UP NOW? SURELY YOU MUST BE SICK OF IT YOURSELF? WHY CANT YOU WRITE SOMETHING POSITIVE, ENCOURAGING, OR LIFE-AFFIRMING INSTEAD? YOU MUST HATE YOURSELF OR BE A VERY UNHAPPY PERSON. I PITY YOU IN THE SUBJECT HEADER