FATMAIL: WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE MAIL

/////////////////////////////////////// FATMAIL: WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE MAIL/////////////////////////////// If, like me, you thought a night of listening to breakbeat-driven dance music was pushing your suicide tolerance to new found limits, then you may be pleased to hear that North Korea has launched a new range of ballistic missiles capable of triggering a worldwide nuclear bum-train. One false move, and before you can say f*ckbiscuits some crazy dictator from the arse end of the orient will have cried BANZAI!! and we'll all have only 30 minutes to live. On the bright side, at least then you'd never have to put up with another endless, eye-gouging evening of listening to Fat's arse- gratingly insipid array of DJs attempting to entertain a club full of doom-brained pill-apes. Who needs a Nuclear holacaust when you've got Friendly on the decks? Something tells me that if London were levelled by a multi-megaton explosion, Chew The Fat, now approaching its 9th birthday, would survive along with the cockroaches, flies and rats. Paul Arnold would then emerge as the progenitor and patriarch of a new age of the Earth, and rule over his wilderness kingdom with an army of radioactive rodents as his henchman. In the meantime, he'll have to settle for being the tin-pot dictator of the prog breaks circuit. But if there's one thing that certainly does need obliterating immediately, it's My Space, the social networking cathedral of c*ntery that's turned the joy of discovering new music into a narcissistic online youth club for chinless mediocrities. That's why we've created our very own Myspace page. Check it out here: www.myspace.com/chewthefatuk  Read on, if you are able, for another overextended morass of predictable and f amiliar torpedoes of bile thinly disguised as 'humorous' asides… ////////////////////////////// CHEW THE FAT! IS 9 ////////////////////////////////////////// Nine years is a long time in breakbeat, as the old saying goes. And we remember a time when the great and the good of the breaks community weren't a ragtag ensemble of fat old men wheezing behind the decks. To celebrate nine long arduous years, we profile the guests for this week's 9th Birthday party at The End, and take a look at… WHERE WERE THEY? – 9 YEARS AGO Tayo – the  Radio One DJ was still polishing his briefcase and fagging for the senior prefect, before the light of breaks shone in his dorm, and he kissed goodbye to the days of being used as a rugby ball by the bigger boys. Soul of Man – before becoming the UK's finest exponent of lager breaks, Soul of Man would spend his weekends staring lovingly across a crowded dancefloor as his guru Paul Arnold bent over to pick a record out of his bag. Now recovered and breeding like a French hare. D Ramirez – before rebranding himself as a greasy Spanish Lothario, D Ramirez (real name Derek Ramrod) was a door-to-door salesman of Littlewoods pools in Hartlepool. The constant hurling of abuse at him has prepared him well for his subsequent music career, which includes the production of a forgettable coffee-table house classic that was big in Bugaria. Precision Cuts – 9 years ago, Precision Cuts spent most of their time beating themselves off to the lingerie section of the Argos catalogue and getting high on Fruit Pastilles. Now, as fully-grown men at the top of their profession, little has changed. Friendly – in 1998 Friendly was midway through a career as Senior Mullet Technician at Le Bouffant Barber shop in Bongabonga, Queensland. Discovered by Paul Arnold on a tour of Australia when he went to get his wispy rat-wig preened, Friendly now brings ten years of mullet technology to the dancefloors of London. Paul Arnold – with three thousand b*stard children worldwide, and almost as many different types of venereal disease, it's hard to believe that nine years ago Paul was just a fresh faced, bushy tailed young strap-on from an in-bred village in East Anglia. His masterplan for a London breakbeat club has lasted as long as your average nuclear winter, and has been almost as hard to endure. Kid Blue – No one knows who he is now, let alone 9 years ago. Plus, in the lounge: RANT Starring: Max Sedgley DJ Food The Rent Boys @ The End, somewhere in London. Follow the trail of aggressive Italian tourists. ///////////////////////////// BERLIN ////////////////////////////////////// Nine years ago Berliners were still wearing leather trousers and dancing to trance remixes of David Hasselhoff records. Now they've woken up to the fresh new, er, nine year old sound of breaks With very special guests EWAN PEARSON and EVIL 9. Saturday 28th October 2006 Chew the FAT! 9th Birthday 103 Club Falkenstein Str. 47 Kreuzberg-Berlin Starring: Evil Nine (Marine Parade) Ed2000 (Dangerous Drums) Wiesel (Viperjive) 100 Tons (Golden Gate) Herr Piece Bobby Schnitzel Lucky Hans Billy Bosh //////////////////////////////////CHEW THE FAT! BRIGHTON///////////////////////////////////////// Friday 27th October 2006 Chew the Fat! 9th Birthday The Ocean Rooms, 1 Morley St, Brighton. 11pm till 4pm Atomic Hooligan Aquasky Merka Steelzawheelz DJ Dreadwig Bobby Orange Stinky Dave Soapy Titwank (live) DJ Spume and MC Vulva ////////////////////////////////////FAT! RECORDS///////////////////////////////////////////////////// To celebrate 9 long years at the leading edge, we've just spent 75% of our annual budget signing a bunch of has beens who no one can remember from the eighties. That's right: we'll be exhuming the carcass of Unique 3 and giving 'The Theme' the Fat! makeover, with added breakbeats, mid-track breakdown and snare crescendo, courtesy of Rhythmatics.  Not content with that, Unique 3 have also produced some fresh new turds to follow next summer. www.myspace.com/uniquethree Merka "Myspaceship" (ctfat035) apparently got a nod from Laurent Garnier, a wink from Paul Van Dyke and a crude miming of fellatio from everyone else. Myspace www.myspace.com/mymerka - released on 6th November //////////////////////////LABEL MANAGE / PR MANAGER REQUIRED/////////////////// Can you suck a grapefruit through a length of copper-piping? Have you got breasts larger than a human head? Do your moral standards allow you to prostitute yourself freely in the name of economic income? If you answer yes to all of these questions, then you may be eligible to become the next Chew The Fat 'label manager'. You'll receive a wage fit for a Cornish tin-miner, daily abuse from Paul Arnold, and the self-confidence of a bulimic teenager. Apply now to paul@thefatclub.com with your CV, covering letter and a signed statement confirming you wish to relinquish your dignity. ////////////////////// FAT ON TOUR ///////////// ////////////////// Paul 'Tax Trouble' Arnold will be circumnavigating the seediest student unions in the UK this Autumn, as a shameless puppet of a well known drinks brand. Playing alongside some of Britain's cheesiest crowd-pleasers, expect a serious stink coming from the DJ booth. Fri 6th October – APU Wed 11th October – Goldsmiths Mon 16th October – Kent Wed 18th October – Coventry Sat 21st October – Aberystwyth Mon 23rd October – Bangor Wed 25th October – Cardiff Fri 27th October – Leicester Sat 28th October – Birmingham Wed 1st November – Plymouth Fri 3rd November – Teeside Sat 4th November – Northumbria Fri 10th November – Herriot Watt Sat 11th November – Edinburgh Wed 15th November – Portsmouth Tue 21st November – UEA Wed 22nd November – Herts Fri 24th November – LSE Sat 25th November – Nottingham Trent Wed 29th November – Royal Holloway Sat 2nd December - Essex Other Fat! Agency DJs out and about this weekend: Fri 13th October - Rogue Element @ Fuse, Manchester Fri 13th October - Kid Blue @ Chew The Fat!, London Fri 13th October - Paul Trouble Arnold @ Chew The Fat!, London Fri 13th October - Precision Cuts @ Chew The Fat!, London Fri 13th October - BLIM @ Hush, Victoria B.C. Sat 14th October - Aquasky (Brent) @ Nightoffice, Tbilisi Sat 14th October - Aquasky (Kieron) @ MINT, Leicester Sat 14th October - Paul Trouble Arnold @ MINT, Leicester Sat 14th October - Friendly @ Relief, Luton Sat 14th October - Precision Cuts @ Electric Boogaloo, Northampton Sat 14th October - Kid Blue @ Spectrum presents Eargasm, Birmingham Sat 14th October – DJ Wombraider @ T.W.A.T, Croydon Contact rory@thefatclub.com on +44 (0) 207 924 133 for an illicit sex rendezvous. //////////////////////////////// END THE FAT /////// ////////////////////////////// And who knows, it could be the end of the world too. See you in the afterlife, suckers.                                        The Fat Crew x TO UNSUBSCRIBE, PLEASE EMAIL kim.jong-il@korea.gov WITH THE WORDS 'FOR GOD'S SAKE, PUSH THE BUTTON NOW!' IN THE SUBJECT HEADER