COMEDOWN FATMAIL JANUARY 2005

14 janvier 2005

COMEDOWN FATMAIL JANUARY 2005

////////////////////FATMAIL COMEDOWN MAIL ///////////////////////

Now that the season of good will is over, it’s time for the season of sweet depression. A time for regret, remorse, and self-loathing. Time to reflect on all the shite you stuck down your throat, up your nose and in your partner’s orifices over Christmas, as you stare at your fat whisky-face in the mirror, and the haggard puffball staring back at you looks like a cross between Alec Ferguson and Dawn French. A time to shudder profoundly as you contemplate the long year of misery and gloom ahead of you, tired, weary and lost in your banal corporate rubber-desk-Johnny existence. No pay rise on the horizon, no job prospects. Your relationship’s flagging and your overdraft’s at an all-time high. And besides which, the whole fricking world’s falling apart at the seams with earthquakes, tsunamis, floods, and Prince Harry wearing a nazi costume. And you think: why? Why do I bother? How can I carry on? Is it really worth it?

paul_indamix2

But no, not for us, because we’re young, good looking and making a healthy living from breakbeat. We’ve got new trainers on, a kilo of high class narcotics in the fridge and gorgeous young groupies clawing at our crotches. No none to five for us, suckers. The toughest part of our day is putting down our spliff, getting off the sofa and going to the record player to flip over the latest mediocre breakbeat record we’ve been sent by another half-baked, tin-pot breaks label. And the real beauty of it is, we get paid a mint for the privilege.

So read on, you poor sods, and weep with envy at another frankly nasty, bragging diatribe of how damn good life is for us, sitting here in our ivory tower of cod-breakbeat, making sweet, sweet cash out of your abject misery.

////////////////////BREAKSPOLL ///////////////////////

Breakspoll is coming up and we would love to win something, and spend an evening drinking free booze, snorting other people’s chum and congratulating ourselves heartily. So make sure you get voting.

Fat is up for:

Best club night

Best record label

While Friendly is also up for:

Best single of the year (Bump n Grind )

Meanwhile, Fatmail is up for two awards this year:

Most Negative Contribution to Breakbeat

Most Appalling Music writing

Although we’re confident on the first one, it’s going to be a close run thing with DJ Magazine for the second.

Get voting now at www.breakspoll.com

////////////////// Chew the Fat! Presents at Bushwacka! The End /////////////////

To help stave off those suicidal urges, why not drag your disgustingly overweight carcass down to The End this Friday for Chew The Fat. The door staff will be more than happy to winch you down the stairs. And if you’re too obese too stand up and dance, you can always just sit in one of their comfortable postmodern couches and wibble your fat tits in time to the music.

Highlight of this evening’s ‘festivities’ will no doubt be Matthew ‘Bushwacka’ B, a man so miserable he could make a euthanasia patient think twice. Here he plays an ‘exclusive set’ at the club that, err, he’s been resident at for the best part of a decade. Don’t forget to bring your morphine in case it all gets too exciting.

To mark this ‘special’ appearance, one of Fatmail’s oily little minions was given permission to ask Bushwacka some questions, and found the great man to be in characteristically sizzling form….

FATMAIL: “Love Story was a huge record. So why make a video that costs less than Paul Arnold’s daily bucket of KFC chicken?”

Matthew B: “Ask someone else.”

Read the full riveting transcript at www.thefatclub.com

Shamelessly sucking up to Bushwacka on the night will be resident toadies Paul 'Serious F*cking Trouble' Arnold, Friendly & MC Xander, along with insignificant extras Clive Morley and Proper Filthy Naughty. Found Sounds DJs & special guests will play intelligent jazz, remedial beats and fuckwit breaks to all the doombrains in the Lounge.

fat_chick_n_mc1

10 / £6 NUS

2200 - 0500

Priority entry advance tickets available

From: www.endclub.com www.ticketweb.co.uk

Free entry if you’re 18 stone or over.

No caps, trainers, trucker caps or rohypnol.

Or call 08700 600 100 The End 18 West Central Street London WC1A 1JJ

Tel: + 44 (0) 20 7419 9199 Email: info@endclub.com

www.thefatclub.com

///////////////////Friendly News///////////////////////

The David Hasselhoff of breakbeat has been spreading his cheese far and wide again over the last few months. It’s time to sit down and try and stay calm, as we introduce this month’s Friendly News bulletin… more fun than a coroner’s verdict.

Friendly has just parachuted back to the UK after playing the infamous Breakfast of Champions on New Years Day after a massive New Year’s Eve headline slot at Seismic in San Francisco. Here's what the promoter said about him: "Sure enough your boy Friendly rocked the SF crowd once again. He had the people going nuts at both our SEISMIC New Year’s Eve party and the ‘Breakfast of Champions’. They weren’t quite so happy when he got his plums out at the annual ‘Lunch of Idiots’ however. "

Friendly dates coming up:

- Moscow and St Petersburg - 28th/29th Jan

- Dubai - 17th Feb

- Southampton - 19th Feb

Friendly releases coming up:

- Simply Jeff remix on Phonomental should be out early this year.

- Just in a blinding remix of Bump and Grind by Santos, and soon to arrive a remix by part-time double glazing salesman Krafty Kuts.

- Friendly has also recently produced a track for the new Playstation-format game Wipeout.

Friendly bowel movements coming up:

- On Sunday 16^th January at approximately 9.06 am Friendly will excrete an 8 inch, 14 ounce curler.

- This will be followed on Monday evening by a slightly constipated 45 minute spell on the porcelain throne, where a red-faced Friendly will struggle to expel 17 Werthers Original-shaped nuggets of granite-like cack from his ringpiece.

More Friendly news next time… if there is a next time.

///////////////////The Fat Label ////////////////////

It’s simple: we release, you buy.

Soho Jo "I like to Dance" PFN remix ctfat022 out early feb, promos available now at the Fatshop!

Forthcoming

Chew the Fat! at The End presents

Friendly

A Fat Records compilation ctfatcd003

Fifteen instantly forgotten party classics, remixed by Friendly. Featuring limited-edition toilet roll packaging, signed by Friendly and then used to wipe his arse with.

//////////////////////// The Fat Shop ////////////////////////

If things really are getting you down this month, why not waste some of your hard-earned cash on these irrelevant additions to the musical stratosphere.

Soho Jo - I Like to Dance ctfat022 - http://www.recordstore.co.uk/fat/

Friendly - The Bump n Grind ctfat021 - http://www.recordstore.co.uk/fat/

Fat T- shirts – available in thin, wiry or muscular: buy them now http://www.recordstore.co.uk/fat/

fatwhite1_a1

Fat reserves the right not to sell t-shirts to girls with flat chests or anyone over 12 stone.

//////////////////////// Chew the Fat - Forthcoming ////////////////////////

CHEW THE FAT! @ THE END - FEBRUARY

FEATURING ... DRUMATTIC TWINS & EVIL NINE

Chew the Fat! Aims to prolong your displeasure all throughout 2005, and February’s instalment at The End brings together two of the most underwhelming forces in the modern breakbeat canon: Evil Nine & The Drumattic Twins. They’ll join residents Paul ‘Skin of my teeth’ Arnold, Friendly & Tigerlily with 9 Lives the Cat in all the usual cocking off. As usual MC Xander will be wandering about muttering meaningless platitudes into a microphone.

And don’t forget, you can bring your parents too, as we’ve got the Big Chill Soundsystem in the lounge, playing the best in car advert breaks, dad-hop and depressing house.

And in case you have trouble reading sentences that are longer than three words, here’s that info again in full:

Chew The Fat

The End

Friday 18th February 2005

2200/0500

£10/£6 NUS

Main Room:

Evil 9

Drumattic Twins

Friendly

Paul Arnold & Tigerlily with 9 Lives the Cat

Hosted by MC Xander